Bye Bye 2013

Its that time of the year again... no not Xmass... more like the time when I spend few days of peace and quiet in Tallagh with few cups of coffee one after another , pasta , chilaxing music and stuck into sketchpad for hours in my jammies untill the morning comes and my body finally crashes asleep and I tougth it is about time I actually recall what was this year like for me because it was a bit all over the place , life changing in some ways life shattering in others and I had high hopes for this year at the end of last year and personally it came true 50/50

Personally have to admit 2013 was not the most exciting or amazing year apart for the last 3 months of it which felt like it was the only time when things started to look like there was something finally shaping up.I had to go through a lot of deaths of friends,pets and some friends families and personally I know for a fact next few years will be just as bad because it seems like that part of our lives when we are at that age when people fuck themselves over mentally,die or come to that dieing age around us so I'm not too much looking forward to next few years,but its something I got to face and be there for people even tho I do feel it is "rubbing off" on me and sometimes I feel very exausted from it mentally myself,but hey friends got to stick together sometimes it is the only close family you will ever have and its one for all and all for one.

Also I guess it takes years to recover mentally from the past that we want to move on from and not having a financial stability can slow the process down too.It also brought me down a bit too much on artistic side of things sadly so I hope next year to have more time to draw and paint and hopefully get a group together to get some work done on some mobile game project it will all depend on if I can find a programmer tho who will commit to a project or not as I have had some bad luck with em in the past.

It seems like we had one hell of a hot summer and I think I didn't really go out much because of the hot weather and lack of funding and also when it comes to friends most of my close friends seem to have started leaving Ireland in the summer or moving as far away from Dublin as possible so personally I have not being feeling like going out much this year simply because of lack of good trusted company and just downward buzz of having friends soo far away from you and you seeing and talking to them so rarely,but Next year at the start of January and summer some of them are coming over for a visit so I genuinely cannot wait to see some of them back home :)

I genuinely think untill end of summer I did fuck all with myself and felt mentally all time low low I had to deal with FAS conference/meeting thing that I had to go to which was just a big lecture about how worthless of a human being you are and how its your fault you are not working no matter if you have no third level education or experience.The FAS spokesperson personally I felt she was very rude to all of those at the meeting who genuinely are looking for work day and night and we should be treated like human beings not something lower than her just because we are not fortunate enough to be in an employment at the moment doesn't mean all of us are lazy buggers.I genuinely got more information and friendlier attitude from my personal FAS office in Swords when I need some information from them and drop in myself so I tought it was a waste of money printing out their pathetic slideshows that nobody could read they were that tiny and hiring out a room in carnegie hotel for it.I genuinely was on such a low buzz with not having much luck most of the year even getting interview dates that I did not feel like doing much for my birthday it was spent with waking up and getting a job rejection e-mail ,a call from Cyrus who remembered it was my birthday and me  eating a little carrot cake I got in M&S in bed.The difference between this birthday and the one last year at least this year there wasn't anyone accuseing me of having a secret birthday party to which I didn't invite my best friends to .... yeah some people did try to create some pathetic shit between me and my besties for what reason I've yet to figure it out.

Apart from that I also had to retire my new rock boots recently which was very sad and took me over a month to do.They are beyond repair and are royally worn out so I will have to try and save up for at least half a year untill I can get anything nicey for myself that is not essential in the future,but on the bright side I did land myself into a very nice internship.The work is still something I'm getting used to because its pretty fast paced and sometimes could be a bit physical too(carrying heavy boxes and so on) ,but the team is very awesome and the boss is dead nice too and a cat lover.(if your boss likes cats you can consider yourself in safe hands) Also its monday to friday job so it means I get weekends off all to myself.

It seems like in November things have finally started to look up to me after 6 years of being through hell and back screwed over by the system and trying to crawl out of a big hole of recession while also try and finish secondary school and get into college on your own two feet and finances while stressing out and freaking out about what can happen tomorrow will you need to quit school/college just to be able to go by.I guess if it wasn't for my friends I cant even imagine if I would have being alive right now I was such a big mess back then and still pick up the pieces,but it finally seems like its getting somewhere good.

One thing I learned from my own experience is that once you hit 17 this country doesn't give a shit about you no matter how many times they say they do. They don't consider you a child or an adult you are in a limbo where they will gladly send you back into the hands of your abuser who will claim extra social benefits for you without caring for your safety and well being and they will treat you like a child who is making up shit because they see everybody at that age just being young and naive and rebellious and not knowing whats best for their own good and if you are not happy about it they will gladly just let you go your way on your own,but will not give you even the slightest of stability of basic human needs like a roof above your head and food they don't care if you die tomorow on the streets you are not their responsability no more.

So now I'm kinda happy it seems like I can take it a bit more easier and stress free for next time being anyways because it seems like things are finally shaping up for the best and there is a chance that after this internship I could get a full time job out of it which means that with a bit more money I can get a bit more independence and personal stability.So it seems like slowly but surely I can get all my medical crap sorted out and focus more on my personal arts projects and have the finances and time to do more with my free time which does sounds a bit pathetic ,but when for years you were mainly having *adult worries* on your head 24/7 and didn't get to enjoy some of the years that should have being your best spent life years spent carefree you do feel like spoiling yourself silly and acting like a gobshite just for the sake of it :)

Apart from that we should be wrapping up Taryn Barker project at the end of the summer hopefully when my internship is officially over  and then we never have to think of that project again and forget it has ever happened hahahah:) and Zoe is shooting a short movie in February hopefully which I may be in depending when is the shooting happening and my work hours. I will be playing a small role in it,but so far have to admit it will be Zoe's most fucked up movie :) so next year seems to be already filled with little promises of exciting projects and hopefully more good luck coming my way as I really do need it :)

Now off to bed for me as there shall be Dr.Who Christmass Special on TV tomorow so I wish you all a Merry Xmass and May next year Roll on nothing but the very best to you all!!
I can genuinely say I wont miss you 2013

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